When We Lose Control
by animummedicinae
Summary: In the beginning of her internship, Meredith finds herself pregnant with Derek's child. But when she finds out what he's been hiding from her, will she still want him? MerDer.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello everyone! Sorry my summary isn't too good...please read a few chapters to really learn about the story! Thanks! Please R&R...I really appreciate the comments!

**Chapter 1**

"Ah…ahhh…Derek," Meredith panted. She found his lips and locked them with hers, looking into his eyes as she did. This was the first time she'd ever been with Derek in the on call room. Derek smirked as Meredith squirmed under him.

"Not so reluctant now, are you?" Derek asked. Meredith giggled and playfully slapped his shoulder. Suddenly, her pager went off.

She frowned. "I have to go," she said.

"Don't go too quickly. There are plenty of other places that we haven't discovered yet." He pulled her back down, burying his face in the crook of her neck. However, their moment was interrupted by three loud beeps from Derek's pager.

"Dammit," he cursed.

Eager to leave and avoid another 'happy' moment, Meredith gave him a quick peck on the cheek before putting her scrubs on.

"See you later?" Derek asked.

"Definitely." They smiled, and Meredith ran out of the room, excited to get to the new trauma case.

"What do we have?" Cristina's voice was easily heard above all of the other interns, clamoring for attention.

"39 year old male, GSW." The paramedic, intimidated by Cristina, looked to Bailey for support.

"Alright, who wants it?" Bailey asked. She had no time to deal with the surgery-hungry puppies that were her interns.

Meredith ran in, still trying to tame her wild hair and tie her scrubs. Luckily, she was just in time.

Cristina and Meredith's hands both shot up. "Okay, Grey. It's yours." Cristina groaned and followed the gurney into the hospital, hoping to be reconsidered. "Um… Dr. Bailey, I believe I was here first. I'm ready."

"Yang, someone should be in the pit. And since you're so ready, why don't you go ahead and get started there?"

Her surgeon's ego temporarily squashed, Cristina slowly retreated to the pit. Another day of sewing up morons and slobs who didn't know how to use kitchen knives awaited her.

Meredith continued with the gurney towards OR 1. Soon, Derek joined her and gave her a briefing on the surgery.

"This is a foreign object removal. Have you ever done one before?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Well, now's the time." They walked to the scrub sinks and started getting ready. As they walked into the OR, Derek smiled. "It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Meredith frowned. "It's raining." She looked at her outstretched hands as the scrub nurse slid her gloves on. They were shaking. "Dr. Shepherd, I've never done one of these before," she whispered to Derek.

He winked at her. "There's a first time for everything."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Okay, Dr. Grey. What's the first step?"

Meredith hesitated. "Make an incision in the entry wound."

"Very good Dr. Grey. After that?"

"Explore the incision and remove the bullet carefully."

Derek looked thoughtful. "Why is this especially difficult, Dr. Grey?"

"It's located too close to the spinal cord."

"That's right. One false move, and you paralyze this man. You can begin when you're ready, Dr. Grey.

Meredith nervously made the first incision. As soon as she did, however, blood began rushing out.

"He's losing pressure!" shouted the scrub nurse.

"What do you do, Dr. Grey?" Derek asked, trying to mask his concern.

"I – I don't know." Meredith was panicking. She had no idea what she had done wrong.

"Well, you better think of something." Derek was growing increasingly worried. If Meredith didn't do something soon, he would have to step in.

"I don't know!" Meredith tried to stop the bleeding with gauze, towels, even her hand. "Nothing's working!"

Derek had given her her last chance. "Move over, Dr. Grey. Clamps, please." Derek worked furiously to control the bleeding, but nothing was working. Finally, only half an hour after the patient had come into the hospital, he was dead. "Have you ever called it before, Dr. Grey?"

Meredith shook her head and looked at the clock in the OR. "Time of death: 3:07 P.M." While everyone else left the OR, Meredith continued to stand there, frustrated and confused. She didn't do anything wrong. It was simple: make an incision, find the bullet, and take it out. When everyone had left, Meredith quietly inspected her incision again. Immediately, she was horrified. The man's carotid artery was shredded. She had slashed his carotid artery. Paralyzed with fear and self-hate, Meredith walked slowly out of the OR.

...

"Cristina!" Meredith hissed.

"What?" Cristina asked sleepily. She rolled over on the On Call room bed to face Meredith.

"I just killed someone."

"Was it Karev?"

"No. It was the GSW that came in this afternoon. I killed him, Cristina!"

"He had a bullet in his spinal cord. He was dead when he came in."

"No he wasn't! I cut his carotid artery! I'm Sweeney freaking Todd!"

"Does anyone know? McDreamy was in there with you; did he see?"

"I don't know. If he did, he didn't say anything. They're not doing an autopsy, but what if someone finds out? Should I tell someone?"

"No one will know. The bullet was practically in his spinal cord. They probably think it hit his artery on the way in." With this final piece of logic, Cristina rolled over and attempted to fall asleep.

Meredith sat down and leaned against the wall. Cristina wasn't helping. Derek hadn't helped. The only one that could help her now was one that had helped her many times before. Tequila.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Mer! Mer! Where are you going?" Derek ran after Meredith, who seemed to be following an invisible line outside, into the darkness and the rain.

Meredith continued outside. She walked across the parking lot to sit on a bench. In the rain. In the cold. In the darkness.

Derek followed her, trying to shield himself from the rain. "What are you doing? It's freezing. Let's go home."

Meredith sat unchanged, her brow furrowed and her eyes staring intently. She killed someone today. By slitting his throat.

"Mer? Are you okay?" Derek waved his hand in front of her face, hoping to snap her out of whatever was going on. She remained unmoved. Trying to ignore the fact that he was freezing, soaked, and that it was way past the end of his shift, Derek sat down next to Meredith on the bench.

For what seemed like hours, they sat in silence in the rain. Suddenly, Meredith broke down.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked hopelessly.

"Nothing. It's stupid. I – I'm fine," Meredith choked through her sobs. Unable to do anything else, Derek wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her while she shivered and sobbed.

Eventually, Meredith became quiet. "Can we go now?" she whispered. Derek nodded and helped her to the car.

…

As they lay in bed, Derek curled himself around Meredith. "Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?" he whispered.

"I killed him."

"Who?"

"The 39 year old GSW. I killed him."

"He had a bullet in his spinal cord. It ruptured his carotid artery. There wasn't much chance for him to begin with."

"The cuts in his artery were too clean. I cut them."

"Mer, I'm sure you didn't. I would have seen it."

Feeling like a little girl being reassured that there were no monsters under her bed, Meredith asked, "Are you sure?"

"I'm certain." Derek kissed the back of her neck.

Meredith didn't believe him for a second. And besides, it wasn't the death that bothered her. It was her mother. Her mother had said that she would never make a good surgeon. And she was turning out to be right.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"I think I'm drunk," Meredith slurred.

"I think so too," Derek said. He had gone to see Meredith at her mother's house, only to find her sitting in the bathtub with a bottle of tequila. "Let's get you out of there." He hooked his arms underneath her, picked her up, and carried her to her bedroom.

As Derek laid her on the bed, Meredith said, "Well isn't this romantic! My sort-of-not-boyfriend picks me up out of the bathtub, where I was peacefully minding my own business, and dumps me on my bed. But his shirt is still on. If I'm going to be forcefully removed from my bathtub, I think that I should get to see my sort-of-not-boyfriend shirtless. Then, and only then, will the ends justify the means! Not only does he still have his shirt on, but he forgets my tequila! How am I supposed to enjoy a sort-of-not-boyfriend with a shirt on without my tequila?" Derek smiled as she continued her rant, occasionally slurring.

"You're trying to take advantage of me," he said. "Just like you did that night at Joe's."

"You took advantage of me then, and you're trying to take advantage of me now. I'm obviously drunk, and you're keeping your shirt on. That makes me want to take it off. See? It's you that's the taker-advantager." Meredith giggled and reached for the tequila, which Derek had brought in from the bathroom.

"I was more drunk than you were that night at Joe's. And besides, you're the one that's talking about taking shirts off. Not me." Derek chuckled at Meredith's frustration with the tequila bottle, which was refusing to open.

"Need some help? I don't know why I'm doing this, though. I think you've had plenty." He reached across Meredith for the tequila bottle, but she pulled it away from him and he fell onto the bed.

Meredith giggled again. "Okay, so maybe I am the taker-advantagererer…but at least this thing can finally come off!" She tugged at the buttons on his shirt.

"Woah…Mer I only came here to see if you were okay…I mean…from yesterday. I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I'm fine. And we already agreed that I'm the taker-advantager. So shut up and help me with these buttons."

"Mer, slow down. I don't even have a condom with me."

"How is that possible? We're a freaking condom ad! Check your jacket pockets or something." Meredith took another swig of tequila as Derek pawed madly through his jacket. Finally, he found something.

"I found one, but it's a little old." Derek looked doubtfully at the little package, but laughed at Meredith's frustration.

"Come on! It'll work juuussttt fineeee…" Meredith slurred. She smiled in triumph as Derek's shirt fell off.

Derek sighed with a smile. "When in Rome…" he muttered as took a sip of tequila and leaned in to kiss Meredith.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Hi everyone! Thanks for the reviews :). I appreciate them! Hopefully more chapters will be coming soon...

As always, please R&R! Thanks!

**Chapter 5**

"Ughhhh…" Meredith groaned as she leaned over the toilet.

"Are you done yet?" Cristina yelled through the door. Meredith had called her last night, sobbing and obviously distraught. She had come over to help, but Meredith had fallen asleep and then proceeded to spend the next morning vomiting.

Meredith rose and slowly opened the bathroom door. "I hate mornings."

"We're going to be late if you don't get dressed now. I'm going to leave without you. I've already seen more of George than I ever wanted to. I think I'm scarred for life, Meredith, and you're sitting in the bathroom vomiting tequila."

"It's not tequila," Meredith muttered. She grumbled as she walked to her bedroom and got dressed.

…

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey, am I boring you?"

Cristina jabbed Meredith in the shoulder as Bailey gave them a glare. Meredith's eyes shot open.

Bailey continued, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Okay, who's presenting? Dr. Grey, it looks like you need something to do. Will you do the honors?"

Meredith racked her brain for the patient information. All a glance at her chart provided was her name. Madeline Shepherd. Even in her distracted and exhausted state, Meredith recognized the name. Shepherd. Maybe she was Derek's sister or something.

"Madeline Shepherd, age 21. Presents with headaches, seizures, nausea, and vomiting."

"Very good," Bailey said. "Grey, you're on Ms. Shepherd today. Get a family history and a full workup, including an MRI and a CT."

Meredith didn't want anything to do with Derek today. She'd been successful in avoiding him so far, and she wasn't going to let all that effort go to waste. "Um…Dr. Bailey? I have a lot of, um, post-ops to check up on. Could someone else take care of Ms. Shepherd?"

"Yang, take Grey's post-ops as well as the ones in 2216, 2234, 2308, and 2314. Let's get moving, people."

Cristina glared at Meredith as she left. "Thanks," she hissed.

…

"So, your last name is Shepherd. We have a Dr. Shepherd here. Funny coincidence, huh?" Meredith forced a small laugh as she asked, trying to clear up the awkward silence that had fallen.

"Yeah, funny," Madeline said. She shifted uncomfortably in her bed.

"Well, I better get you up to the MRI," Meredith said as she put Madeline's chart back. She helped Madeline onto the gurney a nurse had brought in, and headed up to the MRIs.

…

"I'm going to put the mic on, just in case you need anything or you want to get out. You ready?"

Madeline nodded in Meredith's direction but kept her eyes focused somewhere on the ceiling. Meredith retreated to the viewing room to look at the results.

"So she's a Shepherd too," said the MRI technician.

"Yeah."

"Any relation to Dr. Shepherd?"

"I don't think so," Meredith said, "but I don't know. She hasn't really said much."

They both stared intently at the screen. Madeline's blood tests had been negative for everything they tested for and her tox screen was clean; the only diagnostic options left were bad. Really bad. Cancer bad.

"There? Do you see that?" The MRI technician pointed to a spot on the screen. "I'll page Dr. Shepherd."

A few minutes later, Derek raced through the door. "What is it? What's going on?"

Meredith pointed to the screen. "Do you see that?"

"See what? The screen's blurring."

"Blurring? It shouldn't be…" Meredith's eyes widened in horror. "Stop the MRI! She's seizing!"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short. Weekdays are hectic. I'll try to post more tomorrow (or later today)! Thanks for the comments!

**Chapter 6**

Meredith rushed over to the MRI, quickly pulling out Madeline, who was seizing uncontrollably. "Get her 4mg Ativan, stat!" she yelled. Derek rushed to find a syringe, while Meredith tried her best to control Madeline. He ran back and quickly administered the Ativan. Gradually, Madeline quieted down.

"Dr. Grey, what did you see on the MRI?" Derek asked. Before he could get a response, however, Meredith had already left. Derek left too, attempting to follow her as she twisted and turned through the corridors of the hospital. "Dr. Grey? Dr. Grey?" he called after her. Finally, he caught up with her in the elevator. Before Meredith could leave the elevator, Derek pulled the emergency stop button.

"Why are you avoiding me?" he asked.

"I'm not," Meredith responded abruptly.

"You're doing it right now. You won't talk to me."

"I don't need to." Meredith reached over to start the elevator again, but Derek blocked the button.

"Then talk to me."

Except for the ringing of the elevator's emergency stop button, everything was quiet for a while.

"Is she your sister?" Meredith's curiosity got the better of her.

"No, at least I don't think so. Why?"

"She has the same last name as you. Madeline Shepherd."

"I don't have…" Derek trailed off. His eyes grew wide, and he hit the emergency stop button. The alarm shut off and the elevator shuddered back to life.

As the elevator doors opened, Derek rushed out.

"Now who's avoiding who?" Meredith muttered to herself as she walked out of the elevator. Suddenly, something crossed her mind. Last names aren't shared just by siblings.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! (I know I say that every time, but they make me smile). I thought this story was getting a little predictable, so I changed it up a little bit. I hope you like it!

**Chapter 7**

Derek hurried to Madeline's room. Everything was becoming clear to him. He walked into the room, not bothering to knock.

"So you're Dr. Shepherd?" she asked.

"Madeline," he said, in an almost comforting tone. "I miss her as much as you do."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Madeline turned to her side and crossed her arms, hoping Derek would get the message.

"I know you do." Derek reached for her hand, but she withdrew it quickly. "You don't know how much I miss her."

"Then why didn't you do anything? Why didn't you even try? I went almost my whole life without her! You've only gone a few years without her!" Madeline was hysterical. She screamed, kicked, and punched at the air. "You can't miss her as much as I do! You can't can't can't can't can't!"

"I…we…did all we could. I wouldn't have done anything less," Derek said with a bitter twinge in his voice.

"Then why did you ignore her?"

"I didn't ignore her. I loved her. I love her."

Meredith walked into the room just in time to hear Derek's last few lines. Not even giving him time to respond, she ran back out of the room.

"Meredith, wait!" Derek yelled after her. "At least let me explain!"

"I get it. You don't have to. Just stop chasing me!"

"You're avoiding me again. At least give me a chance." Derek caught her by the arm and led her into the nearest exam room. "I have four sisters. One of them got pregnant when she was sixteen. She dropped out of high school and married the father. My family didn't approve of her husband; he was an abusive alcoholic. But she wouldn't let him go, and we were forced to leave her alone. A while ago, we found out she had cancer. A tumor in her brain. She died only months after her diagnosis. Madeline is her daughter, my niece. She thinks we ignored her mother, but really we couldn't do anything else. And now Madeline probably has the same thing."

"Derek, I – I'm sorry. I didn't know." Meredith's remorse was easily heard in her voice. "I really didn't know."

"You couldn't have. At least nothing else can go wrong now." Derek gave Meredith a quick kiss on the cheek before running off to check on Madeline. Meredith shuddered. Things could get a whole lot worse.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for this shameless plug, but I wrote a new oneshot if you'd like to check it out. It's a little out of season (Valentine's Day), but I had fun writing it. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

**Chapter 8**

"So, Dr. Grey, are you free this evening?" Derek asked. With all of the chaos that had just fallen into his life, he needed someone who knew him. Someone who loved him.

"I…um…Bailey gave me some post ops to check on. I've gotta go." Meredith turned around and started to walk away.

"You're still avoiding me. You've been avoiding me all day." Derek walked after her.

"I'm not avoiding, I have work to do."

"I talked to Bailey this morning. She said you were sick and needed to go home. She wouldn't give you late night post ops when you have a chance to infect them. So, why are you avoiding me?" Derek caught up with her and grabbed her hand.

"I told you, I'm not avoiding you. I'm working. And I can't handle all of your crappy problems right now. I have plenty of crappy problems of my own." Meredith struggled to free her hand, but Derek had a tight grip.

"I can handle both of our crappy problems if you'll just tell me what's wrong!"

"You said things couldn't get any worse. I have problems that will make things much worse. I don't think you can handle all of my crappy problems."

"Try me." Derek smiled at Meredith. He was sure that he could handle any problem she threw at him.

"No, Derek. You don't understand. You aren't God! You can't always be my Prince Charming or my knight-in-shining-whatever! You don't need to save me from myself! I can handle my crappy problems by myself."

"Why don't you let me try?"

Meredith glowered. "Okay, fine!" she yelled. "The condom broke, Derek! It broke, and now I'm going crazy!"

"What are you, a drug mule?" he joked.

"See, you can't even take it seriously. The condom broke! I'm freaking pregnant!" Meredith clasped her hand to her mouth, realizing what she had just said. She hadn't meant to tell him. She was going to get rid of it as soon as she could; he didn't need to know. But now he knew, and all hell was about to break loose.

"Pregnant?" he asked. "Like _pregnant_ pregnant?"

"Like get huge, grow a human pregnant! You weren't even supposed to know. I'm going to get rid of it. I can't handle a tiny human feeding off of me for nine months!" Meredith yelled. Without warning, she collapsed into Derek's waiting arms, sobbing.

Edit: The oneshot is called Good Girls Don't. Sorry I forgot to put the name up there! And thank you to everyone for reading/reviewing! :)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Shhh…shhh…" Derek whispered into Meredith's ear. He pulled her closer to him, wrapping the quilt around her. "Everything's going to be okay."

"No! Everything's not going to be okay!" she sobbed. She hadn't stopped sobbing since they left the hospital. "I was going to get rid of it! And now you know! You're not supposed to know!"

Derek sat up on the bed and pulled Meredith even closer. She shuddered against him, trying to control herself. Finally, she couldn't cry any more. She just sat and sat, letting Derek hold her. This was not what she had envisioned. She was going to get rid of the tiny parasite and everything would have been fine. But now Derek knew. And nothing would be fine.

"You can still do whatever you were going to do. Just do whatever will make you happy," Derek whispered. He couldn't bear to see Meredith so unhappy. Truthfully, though, he wouldn't mind a kid. A miniature version of him and Meredith running around, riding ferryboats, fishing, and camping. Maybe it'd even grow up to be a doctor.

"But see, now I don't know what to do! That's the problem! You find out and now I don't know what to do. Stop making things so complicated!" Meredith lightly beat his chest with her fists.

"We already discussed your tiny, ineffectual fists. I love them, and you. But I doubt you can really do any harm with them." Derek smiled and breathed in the scent of her hair. Lavender. He loved lavender.

"What would you do?" Meredith asked. "I mean, if you were me. What would you do?"

"For lack of a uterus, it's difficult for me to make that call. I can only tell you that I really wouldn't mind having a little you and me. We could take it on ferryboats in a little stroller and build it a playhouse in our backyard. But it's your call." Derek kissed the top of her forehead and relaxed his grip on her enough to lie down. Meredith lay down next to him, curling herself against him. While he fell asleep, she lay awake, unable to stop thinking.

…

"Cristina! I need your help!" Meredith hissed into the phone.

"Why?" Cristina grumbled sleepily. "It's 2 A.M.! Can't you wait till pre-rounds?"

"No! I can't!" hissed Meredith.

Cristina forced herself to wake up enough to listen to Meredith's crap. "Okay," she mumbled. "What is it?"

"It's Derek! He's in my bed talking about strollers and playhouses! Freaking strollers, Cristina! I'm not ready for strollers and playhouses! I'm hardly ready for him!"

"Strollers? Are you," she paused, "pregnant?"

"I didn't want to tell anyone; I was going to get rid of it. But now he's telling me about the little him and me and the stroller we're going to own and the playhouse we're going to build, and I can't take it!"

"What are you going to do? Are you still going to get rid of it?"

"I – I don't know."

"Mer, I can't make that decision for you. And you shouldn't make it at 2 in the morning! Sleep on it. I'll see you for pre-rounds." With that, Cristina hung up. She knew she was doing Meredith good. She had to trust that she was doing good.

Meredith walked slowly back to her bedroom, where Derek was sleeping. She tried to lay down quietly, but he jerked awake as she lifted his arm to get more comfortable.

"Wh-what's going on? Are you okay?" he asked sleepily.

"I don't know," Meredith answered truthfully. She pulled herself as close to him as possible, taking his hand in hers. He squeezed her hand back as they both drifted to sleep, but neither slept peacefully.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry these chapters are so short - they're at least two pages on my word documents, if not longer. But thank you for the reviews! More about Madeline is coming soon too...I promise!

**Chapter 10**

"I can't do this now, Mer, I have patients and surgeries. I have work." Derek tried to tug Meredith away from his sleeve, which she had taken captive.

"No. We can still be happy while I'm figuring this out. I can prove that. I'm going to prove that right now. Just sit back and enjoy," Meredith said slyly. She pushed Derek onto the bed of the On Call room.

"Meredith, we're in the On Call room. I have work and patients and surgeries. You have work and patients and surgeries. And you can't even decide if you want to have my child. I don't know if here is the time and place to be happy." Derek was genuinely worried about Meredith. She was trying to decide whether to abort his child and she was trying to make them happy. That was not happy. That was twisted.

"So what if we're in the On Call room? So what if we have work? Work can wait. This can't." Meredith turned around to face the wall, leaving Derek sitting alone on the bed. Slowly, she started moving. Subtly at first, she swayed her hips back and forth as if dancing to music only she could hear. Gradually she began pulling up her shirt to reveal a lacy purple bra that Derek was sure he'd never seen before. Soon, she was only wearing that bra and a new pair of panties. She climbed on top of him and pulled him close to her, kissing his face, chin, and neck.

"Mer, this isn't happy. This is sexy but twisted," Derek said. It was getting very difficult to deny her.

"Then let me be sexy but twisted," she whispered. "I need this. We need this." She pulled him closer and giggled. "Besides, you don't seem _too_ upset." She leaned in to kiss him again, when suddenly the door burst open.

"Dr. Shepherd, I heard you were –" Bailey stopped. Meredith was scrambling to pick her clothes up off the floor. "I heard you were in the On Call room. We need a consult for Ms. Shepherd and I tried to page you, but it seems you were…busy. When you get a chance, you're needed upstairs." Bailey glared quickly at Meredith before turning around and leaving.

"I told you, sexy but twisted," Derek said as he walked out the door. Meredith sat on the floor in her panties, wondering whether to laugh or cry. She wasn't twisted. She was just confused. And then she fainted.

…

"Meredith? Can you hear me?" Cristina asked. She flashed a light in both of Meredith's eyes, checking her responses. "You fainted, in your panties, on the floor of an On Call room. You're a dirty, twisted stripper. A dirty, twisted, pregnant stripper."

"So, I'm still pregnant?" Meredith murmured. "The fall didn't, you know, do anything?"

"Luckily, or unluckily, for you, you're still a dirty, twisted, 10 week pregnant stripper." Cristina smirked at Meredith.

"Then why did I faint? I don't faint."

"We're still trying to figure that out. Have you eaten anything today?"

"I had a brownie for lunch, but that's it."

"That could explain it. Fatigue, little food intake, surprise. Easily could have made you faint."

"Surprise? I wasn't surprised. I haven't been surprised for the last 10 weeks."

"Bailey, who's your boss, walked in on you stripping for the father of your unborn child, who is also your boss. I think that counts as surprise," said Cristina smugly.

"How do you know? No one else was there." Meredith turned over to face away from Cristina.

"Meredith, you're you. How could I not know?" Cristina put Meredith's chart back. "I'll be back in a little. I don't think Bailey will though, luckily for you. You're not surgical. And I don't think she'll ever look at you again. But at least you won't have to deal with the horrifying embarrassment now. Wait till you get back on her service. Have fun with your McDreamy and his McBaby." With that Cristina walked out. Having less than ten seconds to herself before Derek walked in, Meredith sighed.

At first, he was silent. He stood and stood, watching Meredith watch him. Finally, he smiled. "How are you? I mean, besides the fact that Bailey caught you, pregnant, stripping for me in an On Call room."

"I'm good," Meredith said. "Can I get some morphine? I have a splitting headache and I think I broke my wrist."

"No morphine," he said. "You didn't break your wrist." He sat next to her on the bed, stroking her hair and rubbing her neck. "You scared me," he whispered.

"I'm already scared. You're talking about strollers and ferryboats and playhouses. I'm barely able to say the word 'pregnant'. So don't talk to me about scared." Meredith turned away from him.

"Meredith, I get it. You're not ready. But when you are, I'll be here. I'll be here with the stroller and the playhouse. They can wait, and so can I."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I'm making a conscious effort to make these chapters longer. This is hopefully just the start. I really appreciate your reviews as well; they make me smile. This may be the last chapter I get up for a while, I'm probably going to be without internet access for about two weeks. But hopefully by then I'll have lots more typed up so I can post a lot more. Thank you so much for your support!

P.S. Please R&R! :)

**Chapter 11**

"Okay, Dr. Grey, you're free to go," Bailey said. "But don't come back tomorrow. You need rest. In your _condition_, I would advise at least 2 days of bed rest before coming back to work. Get some sleep."

Meredith groaned. Bailey was going to keep her out of the OR, and now she had an excuse. "This sucks," she muttered.

"What was that, Dr. Grey? Did you say something?"

"I was just, um, wondering what to do about my patient – Madeline Shepherd? Should I come back to check on her?" Meredith crossed her fingers and silently prayed that Bailey would say yes.

"No. You're on bed rest. I'll get Dr. O'Malley to cover for you until you get back. If you can keep your clothes on long enough to get out of this hospital, have a nice two days," Bailey snapped. It didn't seem like Meredith to sleep around with attendings just to get ahead. But she was, and that wasn't going to keep Bailey back.

"Dr. Bailey, if you'll let me explain about earlier today," Meredith started.

"You don't need to explain, Dr. Grey. I don't want to know about your _personal_ life. That's what it's supposed to be – _personal_. Keep it to yourself and out of this hospital." Bailey marched out of the room, leaving Meredith alone. Meredith picked up her things and walked out slowly; it was going to be a long two days.

Meanwhile, Bailey approached the rest of the interns.

"Now I want everyone to be clear on this. O'Malley, you're on all of Grey's patients until she is recovered. No one is to call Grey. No one is to page Grey. No one is to even talk about Grey. She is at home for a reason, and she will be back. Don't go spreading any crazy rumors like I know you will." Bailey watched her interns. They stood, silently. "Well, what're you waiting for? Go, people. Move! There are places to go, people to see, and lives to save."

…

Meredith shuddered as her house door creaked open. She walked into the empty front hall, listening for the squeaks of the floorboards. "Hello?" she asked. This was preposterous; she knew no one else was there. She quietly put her bags down on the hallway floor and walked to the kitchen. Making a cup of hot chocolate, Meredith pondered her situation. Pregnant. Just a slutty intern who slept with her boss and got pregnant. But her boss, her boyfriend, even though he said he didn't care, really wanted the baby. He wanted to take it on a freaking ferryboat. He'd even wait for her.

Meredith took her hot chocolate upstairs with her, trying desperately not to spill anything on the carpet. Suddenly, she thought she heard a creak coming from somewhere down the hall. She dismissed it, knowing that she was under a lot of stress and that her mind was playing tricks on her. The second time, however, she couldn't dismiss it. She'd had a feeling that something was off. She couldn't quite place it until now.

Meredith was sure that the noise was coming from her bedroom. Slowly, she tiptoed down the hallway. The noise had stopped, but Meredith knew there was still something wrong. Bracing herself, she quietly pushed open her bedroom door.

"Meredith!" a voice exclaimed.

Meredith was too stunned to notice that she had dropped her hot chocolate not only all over herself, but on the beloved carper as well. "Mom?" she asked quietly.

"Meredith, I've been here for hours. What kept you so long? I'm supposed to be in surgery in one hour, and you can't even get home from school in time. The babysitter hasn't come yet, thanks to you! She said that if you won't bother to show up, neither will she! Now I have to drag you to the hospital with me. Come on, come on. Let's go! And don't you dare complain to me. I'm the one that's going to be late now. And you just spilled hot chocolate all over my priceless rug. _And_ you broke a mug." Ellis tugged on Meredith's arm, trying to pull her out of the room.

"Mom," Meredith said comfortingly, "I'm not in school anymore." She hugged her mother close. "How did you get here?"

"I drove."

They stood in silence for a while, Meredith trying to hug her mother and her mother trying to drag her outside. Suddenly, Ellis stopped resisting.

"I'm not supposed to be here," she whispered, "am I?"

"No, Mom, you're not," Meredith whispered back. "I'll help you get back home." She took her mother by the hand and led her out to the car, wondering the whole time how she got there in the first place.

…

The doorbell rang.

Meredith ignored it, hoping whoever it was would realize that there was a pregnant intern with mother issues who was trying to sleep. Unfortunately, whoever it was didn't realize and the doorbell rang again. Meredith groaned and rolled over, pulling herself up as she did. Not wanting to bother with getting dressed, she slipped on a robe and a pair of slippers and padded downstairs. She opened the door, only to find Derek standing in the doorway.

"You look…cheerful," he said.

"So would you if your mother broke into your house and tried to find you a babysitter so she could go perform fake surgeries," Meredith snapped. Quickly, she repented. "I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day."

"Well, maybe that's a good thing for me," Derek joked. "Last time you had a bad day we spent a long time kissing in an elevator." He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. "So while I was gone, Bailey practically banned you from the OR, your mother broke into your house, and she tried to find you a babysitter so she could perform fake surgeries."

Meredith nodded and stared at him, trying to figure out whether to be angry or to laugh.

"Sounds pretty bad," Derek whispered. "It's a good thing I put a condom in my wallet. Wouldn't want to be unprepared like last time." He tried to kiss Meredith, but she backed away.

"No sex. Sex caused this…this _problem_. Until I figure out what to do, no sex." She patted him on the chest and walked away, purposefully swinging her hips as she walked upstairs. Derek followed her, trying to look forlorn.

"That's not going to work on me," Meredith said. "I know what you're trying to do. And it's not going to work. I'm not going to feel sorry for you. You and your stupid boy penis got me into this mess. So either help me figure out what to do, or no sex until I figure it out myself." She smiled to herself as she walked towards her bedroom. Even if she was dark, twisted, and dirty, she was trying to repent. At least until she figured out what to do.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Sorry I've been gone for so long! I wrote a bunch of chapters while I was gone, so hopefully I can post at least one or two today and then more this week. Thanks for sticking with me! **

P.S. Please R&R! Thank you!

**Chapter 12**

"What exactly are you trying to figure out?"

"God, Derek. It's only been two days. Are you really that desperate?" Meredith playfully slapped him on the shoulder. It was hilarious to her; he really was that desperate.

"I have a genuine interest in your wellbeing."

"And that's it."

"Yes," Derek said decidedly. He paused. "Okay, maybe it has a little to do with sex. But just a little. So what are you trying to figure out?"

"What I'm going to do. It's almost too late to, you know, get rid of it. What am I supposed to do? I can't keep it a secret forever; I can't hide the basketball-under-the-shirt look. And you know what happens to pregnant interns. I don't want to give up my career for this! I'm a freaking surgeon! Surgeons don't give up. But this _thing_ will make me give up. And besides, people are going to know it's yours. You got the twisted, dirty, pregnant, stripper intern pregnant. Won't that do something to your reputation?"

"I don't care about my reputation."

"That's a lie; we both know it."

"Well, I care about you more."

"Stop being so perfect! You're not twisted. You're not a stripper. And you're certainly not pregnant. You have parents who don't break into your house. Parents who talk to each other. You have sisters who are really your sisters, and not freaky replacement sisters. And your boss hasn't caught you sleeping with her boss. You're not dirty." Meredith crossed her arms and flopped back onto the pillows.

"I could be dirty," Derek whispered in her ear.

"No sex! I think you'll live for another day or two."

"I could be really dirty." Derek was determined. He leaned in closer. Meredith shuddered at the sensation of his warm breath on her neck.

"No! Only one of us gets to be dirty and twisted. And that one is saying no sex."

"Really, really, really dirty," Derek said in a low whisper.

Meredith pushed him away and turned over. "How many times do I have to say no? I'm not going to cave. Stop trying. Or else."

"Or else what?"

"Stop trying and you won't have to deal with the consequences."

"We're alone in your house, in your bedroom, and on your bed. I think I have the right to try." Derek leaned over Meredith, who was trying to cover her head with a pillow.

"We're alone? Where are Izzie and George?"

"They're on call, so we have the whole house. We're all alone," Derek whispered as he tried to lean in even closer to Meredith.

"Consequences, Derek. I need to decide before I go back to work tomorrow. I won't be able to concentrate if I haven't made a decision. And you're not making it any easier to concentrate."

"At least I'm doing something right."

"That's it. You'll suffer the consequences." Meredith was fed up with Derek making it hard for her to concentrate, but at the same time, torturing him was so fun. He looked like a lost puppy, more and more each time she denied him. She stood up, laughing to herself as Derek watched her intently. She pulled off her shirt slowly, and then did the same to her pants. She lay back down on the bed, in only her bra and panties, which were new. Lacy and new.

"Oh, I had a question for you. How's Madeline?"

"We're waiting on her biopsy results. She definitely has a tumor."

"Oh." She paused. "Derek, what am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to be the surgery-hungry intern and get rid of it? Or am I supposed to be the gooey, happy pregnant girl and have the thing?"

Derek had stopped listening. As much as he genuinely wanted to help Meredith, something else was distracting him. She was lying on her bed, in her underwear, and not even letting him touch her. She was purposefully torturing him. And it was working.

Meredith watched Derek's frustration with a smile. If he wasn't going to be helpful, he was going to pay the consequences. And he was. She stretched out, bending one knee up and laying one straight out so she ended up lounging on the bed, facing Derek. She giggled as she watched his frustration grow even more.

"You got me into this position," Meredith said. "And now I don't know what to do."

Derek edged himself closer and closer to Meredith until he was lying right next to her. He put his lips close to her ear and whispered, "I could get you into a lot of other positions." He chuckled mischievously as Meredith slapped his arm.

"We're being serious now. I'm in this situation because of you and your stupid boy penis. Help me figure out what to do."

"It's not my fault that you seduced me while you were drunk. I was good looking and vulnerable, and your were drunk and seducing."

Meredith thought. He was right, at least about the drunk part. She was determined not to let him win, however. "It was your condom. You should have had a new one."

"I was coming over to make sure you were okay. If you remember, you spent most of the previous night sobbing. I wasn't really expecting anything."

"Whatever. Just help me figure out what to do." Meredith was tired of arguing. "Or, even better, give me another few minutes to think." She curled up, facing herself away from Derek. She just needed another few minutes to figure out what to do. She was tired of torturing herself over what to do. It was time to decide.

Derek pulled Meredith close to him, curling himself around her. He lay there quietly, letting her think. It was obvious that she was serious about no sex, at least until she had made a decision.

Meredith thought and thought. Would she make a good mother? Would Derek make a good father? Of course he would. He wanted to buy a stroller and build a playhouse. He would take it on ferryboats. She, however, had no clue how to be a mother. Her own mother wasn't, well, the best of mothers. And what about being a pregnant intern? She didn't want to give up all she'd worked for just for this. 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, and 4 years of med school. However, the choice was obvious to her. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, Derek really wanted this. She would just have to make do. Meredith turned over and sat up, accidentally straddling Derek as she did so. She leaned in to kiss him, letting him run his fingers through her hair.

"Did you decide?" he asked between kisses.

"Mmhmm," she muffled. All of a sudden, she pulled away. "Do you have a condom?" she whispered.

"Does it matter?" Derek asked. "What would it do now?"

Meredith giggled half-heartedly. Derek put his hands on the small of her back and pulled her close again. Two days was a really long time.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short. And sad. FYI there is some angst coming up...I apologize. And thank you for the reviews...comments make me happy. I'll try to have another chapter up tonight!

-animummedicinae :)

**Chapter 13**

"Welcome back, Dr. Grey. I trust that you're feeling _rested_. O'Malley, you're off Grey's patients. You and Karev are in the pit. Yang, Burke. Stevens, you'll be joining me today. Grey, you're with Shepherd _if_ you can keep your clothes on. Can you do that, Dr. Grey?" Bailey asked with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

Meredith nodded as a blush spread across her face. She turned around quickly and headed for Madeline's room.

"Hello Ms. Shepherd, I'm Dr. Grey." Meredith smiled and picked up Madeline's chart. She flipped through it, looking for the biopsy results.

"Madeline. Ms. Shepherd was my mom's name. And you don't have to keep smiling; I know I have cancer."

"It appears that the biopsy results aren't back yet. It's not certain that you have cancer. The tumor could still be benign." Just as Meredith finished her sentence, Derek walked into the room.

"Dr. Grey!" he exclaimed. "It's good to see you back."

Meredith nodded. "It's good to be back." She winced at Derek's pitiful attempts to cover up their relationship. They both knew perfectly well that he had seen her just that morning.

"Madeline, I need to talk to you about the results of your biopsy," Derek said, a serious look overtaking the cheerful one that had been on his face just moments ago. "They were abnormal."

"I told you," Madeline hissed at Meredith.

"I'm so sorry," Derek said. "You do have cancer." He tried to push back the tears that were welling up in his eyes. First his sister, now his niece. And he was powerless to do anything. "I'm so sorry," he whispered again.

"So, what can we do? Can't you take it out or something?" Madeline asked.

"It's very advanced." He tried to steady his wavering voice. "Had you had any seizures before the one that sent you to us?"

"Not really. Maybe my hands or legs were kinda shaky, but I never fell down or anything."

"Did you have headaches?"

"For at least, like, 4 or 5 months. But I always get headaches."

"What about the nausea? When did that start?"

"I guess whenever I got the headaches. But I just thought they were migraines, or whatever. Mom got them too. So what can you do to get rid of it?"

"I – I'm afraid," Derek stuttered. He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "I'm afraid we can't do anything."

"What?" Madeline asked in disbelief. "Why?"

Seeing Derek trying to choke back tears, Meredith decided to step in for Derek. She took a quick look at Madeline's biopsy and her MRI. They were bad.

"The tumor is too advanced. It's spreading to too much of your brain, and the surgery would have too many risks. Your body wouldn't be able to support you through the whole surgery," Meredith said softly.

"So you're going to ignore me too? Just like you ignored my mom?" Madeline asked angrily.

"Madeline –" Meredith started.

"We did everything we could," Derek interrupted. He sat on the edge of Madeline's bed. "And I loved your mom. She was my sister. How could I have ignored my own sister? There wasn't much we could do."

"Go," Madeline commanded.

"Madeline, I loved her just as much as you did."

"Just go."

"I – I'm sorry."

"Go away!" Madeline yelled. "You can't have loved her as much as I did! You left her with _him_."

"Maybe I should go," Meredith whispered. She walked out behind Derek and left him to talk with his niece.

…

"How's Madeline?" Meredith asked quietly as she slipped into bed next to Derek.

"She's getting worse."

"Oh. How much time does she have?"

"It's impossible to tell. It could be as little as a few days. The headaches she had were symptoms of the cancer, but she didn't do anything. If she had come in just a month ago, we would have been able to do so much more."

"I'm so sorry," Meredith whispered. She turned onto her side and pulled Derek's arm around her, taking his hand in hers. She felt tears drop on the back of her neck and squeezed Derek's hand. Silently, he squeezed back.

…

One week. In one week, Derek's life was turned upside down. He had only known his niece one week, and for most of it, she had hated him. And then, she was gone. Suddenly, one week after she had been admitted to the hospital, the cancer won. He knew it was going to happen, but he couldn't anticipate what it would be like. How hard it would be. He hadn't even known her that well, but now that she was gone, he wished he had.

…

"Derek, I'm so sorry. Are you going to go to the funeral?" Meredith asked softly.

"She didn't want one," Derek replied solemnly.

"You don't look good, maybe you should get some sleep. Take some days off or something."

"I barely even knew her. I don't need to take any days off," he snapped.

"Sorry," Meredith said defensively, "I was just trying to help."

"No, I'm sorry. I just need some time to think, okay?"

"I wish I could help you," Meredith said gently.

"Maybe you shouldn't. I'm damaged goods, Mer."

"Yeah, well, we can be scary and damaged together." She shifted under the quilt to rest her head on his chest. He stroked her hair as they lay together in silent thought. When he thought Meredith was finally asleep, Derek whispered, "I love you," into her hear. Meredith smiled, a single tear running down her cheek. In all of the chaos and confusion that had hit them in the past weeks, those three little words made a world of difference.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I just couldn't resist posting one more chapter...this place is so addictive! And thank you so much for the comments!! I love them!

-animummedicinae :)

P.S: Disclaimer: I (very sadly) don't own Grey's Anatomy. Although...if I did...

**Chapter 14**

The next two weeks were a blur for both Meredith and Derek. Meredith's morning sickness was slowly fading, but she felt herself gaining more weight than she had anticipated. Derek was recovering from his loss, busying himself with paperwork and surgeries.

"Derek, there's something I need to tell you," Meredith said quietly.

"Okay, shoot."

"You know how I was thinking about, you know, getting rid of the baby?" Meredith looked down at the floor, trying to hide her emotion.

"Oh. That's okay Mer. When you're ready, we can always try again."

"Well, for the next five and a half months it'll be pretty impossible. I don't think I can get pregnant again while I'm already pregnant." Meredith looked up, revealing the sheepish smile she had been trying to hide.

"Wait, does that mean that you're going to keep it?"

Meredith nodded, watching her infectious smile spread to Derek's face.

"We're having a baby," Derek said, mostly to himself, trying to wrap his head around the concept.

"Is that okay?" Meredith asked.

"Is that okay? It's fantastic, Mer!" Derek frantically hugged Meredith, almost lifting her completely off the ground.

"Woah, careful. Do you want morning sickness all over you?" Meredith teased.

"It's midnight."

"Technically, midnight is actually the beginning of the morning. So it is morning sickness."

Derek couldn't stop smiling. He wasn't just happy; he was ecstatic.

Meredith yawned. "We should probably go to bed," she said sleepily.

"How can you even think of sleeping? We should start buying strollers and clothes! Making the baby's room! Building a playhouse!"

"I'm not building a playhouse at midnight."

"Fine, you can go to sleep. Go grow my son or daughter. God! I'm going to have a son or daughter. This is amazing!" Derek exclaimed.

"Derek, I really need to go to bed."

"Okay, okay. Go to sleep. I love you, Mer."

"I love you too." Meredith collapsed onto the bed and curled into a ball, pulling the covers around her. Derek smiled to himself as he watched Meredith try to fall asleep. God, he loved her.

…

"You're watching me," Meredith whispered without opening her eyes.

"How'd you know? Your eyes haven't been open. For all you know, I'm still sleeping," Derek whispered back.

"You're talking. Talking isn't sleeping. And I know you watch me. So stop it."

"You got me there. But why should I stop watching you?"

"Because it's creepy. And you and your stupid boy penis made me fat."

"Hey, I'm insulted. And you're not fat; you're pregnant." Derek kissed Meredith's forehead. "I'm sorry about the past few weeks; I just needed some time to think. I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Meredith whispered.

"It's Saturday," Derek said.

"It is," Meredith responded suspiciously.

"Let's go somewhere."

"Why?"

"It'd be fun. We need fun."

"We need fun," Meredith agreed. "But where can we go? We have work and stuff."

"Work and stuff can wait. Let's go somewhere fun. Do you know how to sail?"

"Sailing? Like, little wooden boats with lots of cold water and splinters?"

"That's the one."

"No."

"I'll teach you. My dad taught me when I was really little. We used to go sailing every other weekend. It'll be fun! We can rent a boat. We could even stay on the boat overnight!"

Meredith laughed at Derek's excitement. He was like a little boy talking about going to a toy store. "I don't know if you want me on the boat. I'll probably just make it sink."

"You're not that fat!"

"Oh, so I am fat?"

"No! God, Mer. That's not what I meant."

"You said, 'You're not that fat.' That means I am fat, just not _that_ fat." Meredith sat up and got out of bed, walking away from Derek.

"Mer! Meredith! Come back! That's not what I meant at all," Derek yelled after her, getting up and following her around the house.

"Trouble in paradise?" Izzie whispered to George as they watched Derek chase Meredith. They laughed and ran upstairs, afraid of what Meredith would do next. Hormonal Meredith was a force to be reckoned with.

"You can mean it. I am fat. Your freaking kid is making me fat." Meredith walked back to her room and looked at herself in the mirror. Because she had been so thin, she had begun to show very early.

Derek approached Meredith silently, sneaking his hands around her waist so that they lay on her small, but visible baby bump. He gently rocked her side to side, resting his chin on her shoulder. "Mer," he whispered, "thank you."

"For what?" she whispered back.

"For being the love of my life, for carrying my, as you so eloquently put it, 'freaking kid', for everything." He chucked and nuzzled his face into her hair. He sighed as he breathed in the lavender he loved.

"I can't help it," she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too." Derek turned Meredith around and pulled her to him, locking her lips with his.

"So," Meredith giggled as Derek continued to kiss her, "I guess we're not going sailing."

"This," Derek mumbled into her collarbone, "is much more fun."

…

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday passed quickly as well. Meredith went to ultrasounds, OB appointments, and still managed to perform surgeries. Derek worked harder than ever, hoping to take time off closer to Meredith's due date.

"Ready to go?" Derek asked Meredith.

"It's only 6 o'clock," Meredith replied. "Don't you have more surgeries and stuff? I mean, lives to save and all?"

Derek shook his head and reached for Meredith's hand. "Let's go," he whispered into her ear.

"Isn't that cute," a familiar, bitter voice said behind them.

Derek turned around. He looked in disbelief at the speaker. "Addison?" he asked angrily. "What are you doing here?"

Meredith turned around too. She looked worriedly first at Derek, then at Addison, and back at Derek.

"Richard called. And besides, I wanted to check on my husband."

"_Ex_-husband," Derek supplied.

Addison turned to face Meredith. "Addison Shepherd," she said, holding out her hand. "You must be the woman that's screwing my _husband_."

Meredith's eyes widened. She looked again at Derek. "Husband?" she asked. Without waiting for an answer, she picked up her bag and walked through the rain to her car.

"Meredith, wait! I – I can explain!" Derek called after her.

"She seems…nice," Addison said to Derek. "Pregnant too. I thought you didn't like kids," she said bitterly.

"How do you know she's pregnant?"

"God, Derek. I'm an OB. She's already showing anyway. How far along is she?"

"About 3 months," Derek relented. To deny Meredith's pregnancy to an experienced obstetrician would be difficult.

"Why didn't you call me? I'm a great OB."

"I don't think I'd want my _ex_-wife taking care of my girlfriend and my baby."

"Your _wife_ would take good care of your _mistress_ and her baby."

"Addison, why are you even here?" Derek asked sourly.

"I told you, Richard called. I thought it would be a good opportunity, you know? Treat an extreme case of TTTS, find my husband, solve all our problems, and take him back to New York with me." Addison reached for Derek's hand, but he withdrew it quickly.

"I'm not going back to New York. You are."

"Maybe I'll stay here in Seattle. Where are you living?"

"It's none of your business. Do you really have to ruin my life here, too? I thought you might have filled that quota in New York." Derek turned to leave, but Addison blocked the way.

"You're my husband, Derek. We can get through this. We're Derek and Addison," Addison said anxiously.

"Not anymore," Derek said through clenched teeth. "I'll get the divorce papers if you'll sign them. We'll split everything in half. Except for my land in Seattle. That's mine. Anything else, you can have it."

"Why won't you try to make this work?" Addison was trying desperately to keep herself together.

"I'm done trying. Once upon a time, I loved you. I hope Mark was worth it, because I love Meredith. She's a breath of fresh air – the light at the end of the tunnel. She is something that you'll never be – she's Meredith. When I need someone, she's there. You weren't. And so what if she's pregnant? I never said I didn't want kids. I just said I didn't want kids with you." Derek cringed as he let the words escape his mouth. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh. "Addie…Addison. I'm sorry. I hope you're happy with Mark; I really do. But you hurt me, and I don't think I want to see you ever again." Derek stormed through the hospital doors and out into the rain, leaving Addison with tears running down her face. Mark wasn't worth it. She wanted Derek back. But now he had Meredith. And she had no one.

Derek slammed his car door and sped off, hoping to get to Meredith's as quickly as possible. He hadn't wanted his marriage to end like this. He hadn't really wanted his marriage to end, until he caught Addison sleeping with Mark. But still, he had wanted a clean break. They could be civilized adults living on opposite sides of the country. Now he had his wife, ex-wife, or whatever _and_ his girlfriend in tears. Derek pushed the gas pedal as far as it would go, ignoring the rain and the voice in his head telling him to slow down. He needed to see Meredith.

…

"What?" Meredith grunted angrily into the phone. She had been happily, or at least, less angrily, punching pillows and throwing things until the phone rang. Derek was married. He had a beautiful, _thin_, red-haired wife. And she was only the dirty, pregnant mistress. And he hadn't even bothered to tell her about the beautiful, thin, red-haired wife who pined for him. _And_ he had gone and gotten her pregnant. Now she was stuck with two bastards.

"Um, Meredith," Addison said meekly into the phone, "you might want to come back to the hospital."

"Why?" Meredith resented Addison. Deeply. Addison was everything she wasn't. Skinny, gorgeous, perfect.

"It's Derek," Addison said, her voice shaking badly. "He – he was in an accident."

**A/N 2: I'm sorry for all of the drama and angst! Also - I'm thinking of changing the description of this story because it's pretty nondescript right now. So, you know, just don't be surprised! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short! More to come. Please R&R! Thank you so much! :)

**Chapter 15**

"Derek!" Meredith cried as she ran into the ER, quickly locating the gurney that Bailey was pulling him away on.

"He's unconscious," Bailey said. "And you can't be here."

"I'm a doctor. I have every right to be here." Meredith tried to control herself in front of Bailey, but her already high hormone levels were not making it easy.

"No, you don't. Family and friends stay in the waiting room. Go, Grey. If it's longer than an hour I'll send O'Malley with an update."

Meredith watched Bailey disappear with Derek. Quietly, she walked to the waiting room and fell into a chair. It was all her fault. She just knew it.

…

"George!" Meredith yelled, waving her hands at him. "Is he okay? I mean, really, is he okay? Don't give me the crappy sugar coated answer we give every other family." Immediately, she clasped her fingers to her mouth. "Did I say that out loud?" she hissed. "Crap."

"Meredith, he's…" George paused. Meredith looked at him with pleading eyes. "He's – he's hurt. Badly. Bailey's doing everything she can. He fractured his leg in a couple places and he's got some bad internal bleeding. We put him under pretty quickly, so we haven't determined the severity of his concussion. It'll be at least another hour. Mer, are you going to be okay?" George reached out to comfort Meredith, put she withdrew from him quickly.

"You should get back," she whispered.

George nodded and headed back to the OR. He really hoped Derek was okay – for Meredith's sake.

Meredith slumped back into the chair and closed her eyes.

"Hey," she heard a voice say.

"Oh, Addison. I mean, Dr. Shepherd. I'll leave, I mean, if you want," Meredith stuttered.

"No, Meredith, you don't have to go. If anyone should go, it should be me. Derek, he really loves you. It's kind of scary, actually. I never saw him like that over me," Addison sighed.

"Like what? I'm sorry, I'm a little lost."

"Oh, we talked a little after you left. He really does love you, Meredith. He deserves you. Just, please, don't hurt him. I did, and I'll never forgive myself." Addison slowly got up, looking one more time at Meredith before she left.

"Good luck with the baby," she whispered. "Derek's great with kids. He'll be a great father."

"I, uh, how did you know?" Meredith asked softly.

"I'm an obstetrician, Meredith. It's pretty obvious."

"What happened with you and Derek? I mean, if you don't mind me asking."

"He, um, caught me in bed with his…best friend. It devastated him."

"Oh. Where are you going?" Meredith asked quietly.

"I don't think I should be here when Derek wakes up. If I thought there was anything worth fighting for in our relationship, I would stay. But he practically worships the ground you walk on. I hope things work out for you." Addison had meant to be bitter, to be mean, but she couldn't manage it. Meredith had done nothing to her; she didn't deserve to have Addison hate her. With a small sign, Addison walked out of Seattle Grace and out of Derek's life. Things would be better that way.

…

"Meredith," George whispered. When she showed no signs of waking, George shook her shoulder gently. "Meredith?" he whispered again.

"Wha…what? George? How is he? Is he okay?" Meredith asked groggily.

"Meredith, the bleeding was really bad. Bailey did an amazing job, but still - "

"Oh, God. He's dead, isn't he?" Meredith hissed.

"No! God, Meredith. No! He's in the ICU. He hasn't woken up yet, but if he does he has a very good chance of a full recovery."

"If? _If_ he wakes up?"

"Mer, you know there's always the chance that severe trauma patients don't, you know, wake up."

"I – I need to see him." Meredith hurried to the elevators, leaving George behind in the waiting room.

"Derek!" Meredith cried as she ran to his bedside. "Derek?" she asked again as she lightly caressed his forehead.

"Miss?" a nurse asked. "He's not supposed to have visitors. He just had major surgery. Once he wakes up, you're welcome to come back."

"I'm not a visitor. I'm a doctor here," Meredih snapped.

"Still, he's not supposed to have visitors."

"But I need to be here, he –"

"Meredith?" she heard someone whisper hoarsely.

"Derek? You're awake!" Meredith exclaimed.

"What happened?" he asked sleepily.

"You were in a car wreck. George said you had a concussion, broke your leg, and had some massive internal injuries. Oh, and your _wife_ says good luck on the baby." Meredith hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but the words escaped before she had a chance to stop them.

"Mer, will you let me explain?"

"Addison already did. But why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought she was out of my life. I honestly thought I would never see her again. I love you, Mer, and no one can change that. I'm over Addison."

"You could have told me. I might have understood. You shouldn't have left it for your wife to tell me herself. I didn't want to hear it, but at least I'd rather have heard it from you. And if I didn't understand and never wanted to see you again, it would have saved us a lot of trouble. We wouldn't be in this...mess."

"Miss, he can't be talking right now," the nurse interrupted.

"Okay, thank you," Meredith said coldly. "Goodbye, Derek."

"Meredith," Derek called weakly from his bed, but he was too late. She was already gone.


End file.
